From A Long-Distance Relationship to A Happy Marriage | From France to Vietnam

From a Long-Distance Relationship to a Happy Cross-cultural Marriage! How come?

When it comes to a long-distance relationship, most of us get frustrated and say it does not work. It happens when texts and calls are everything. Phones and computers become our life, and we may spend a lot of time feeling sorry for ourselves to some extent. However, it is true that nothing but distance can really test a relationship. Long distance strengthens a relationship. An explicit example of this is a couple of two beautiful lovebirds living halfway across the world from each other – Vanessa and Hoang Anh. After all the ups and downs of a long-distance relationship, they eventually created a happy ending called marriage!

To discover this beautiful love story, let’s talk with Vanessa!

Could you please tell us about yourself and your husband?

My name is Vanessa. I’m 30 and I am a French woman. My native language is French. I was born and raised in Paris, but since my mom used to work for the French Embassy, we moved around quite a bit. I got to live in Singapore and Vietnam (both Hanoi and Saigon) for a few years during the 90’s. Vietnam in the past is quite different from now, if not a lot! As of now, I have been living in Hanoi since 2011. I work as a copy editor for the French-speaking weekly magazine Le Courrier du Vietnam. I’m also a French teacher and a freelance translator.

My husband’s name is Hoang Anh, he’s Vietnamese and so is his native tongue. He did spend a few years in Canada so his English is really good, even better than mine. We speak what we amusingly call “Vietlish” together *smiles*. He’s a reporter for an English speaking daily newspaper.

Could you share your “How we met” story with us? 

I met and fell for my boyfriend (now husband) in 2009. He’s from Hanoi and I was living in France and the UK back then. I was finishing my degree in Paris Sorbonne and later teaching French in Manchester for the British Council. We were doing long distance by then. After my year in Manchester, I was planning on doing my Master Degree in French literature and linguistics in Paris. So that meant, another 2 years of long distance! Our future together seemed then quite blurry and full of uncertainties to say the least. So Hoang Anh (that’s his name) did spend quite some time doing research on the Internet to look for a University in Hanoi suited for my Master degree. And against all odds, he did succeed and found me just that. That’s the story of why I came to Hanoi in the first place. I was only planning on staying 2 years (lol). Certainly, I was lying to myself but that was the actual plan. Until life, love and other factors decided otherwise.

How long have you been together?

We fell for each other in 2009, so it has been 8 years. We got married in 2013 after 4 years of relationship (2 years of which were long distance and 2 others were cheesy dating and of living together)

What have been the most memorable moments in your relationship with him?

The very moment immortalized here was during the summer of 2009, on my last day of vacation in Hanoi. After spending over two months in the city I was about to leave back to Paris.

Back then we had a very close group of friends and we would go out, party and travel with the gang during the whole summer. So, on my last day, before heading to the airport, I was inconsolable and couldn’t stop crying. Hoàng Anh then, drove me around the city. He took me to a nice little corner of town, under the shade of a  hoa giấy tree. He then took a flower and put it in my hair and said: “One year is going to fly very quickly you’ll see. You should be happy with the idea of coming back! I’ll be here, I ain’t going anywhere. But please stop crying. I hate to see you sad”. Believe it or not but I knew then and there that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy. I’ve had never been so sure about anything else in my life before. I did not know how or when it was going to happen, I simply knew it would. I would marry him and grow old with him.

And now, here we are 8 years later. Together in that same city where we fell in love. Against all odds. In spite of the distance, the obstacles, and the cultural differences. Here we are. And not just the two of us anymore because we got a baby!

Also, one of the funniest and romantic moments of our relationship was when he proposed to me. I really did not expect him to do it. It was a family outing, my family. Like. My entire family, from my mom side. You know. My grandparents, my uncles, my aunties, my cousins. Even my mom, who lives in France, and my brother, who lives in Saigon were there. Everybody was. We hired a van and went a little bit out of town to that amazing restaurant with a fountain and gorgeous garden with flowers and bamboos and stuff. After lunch, we all came out and sat in the garden to drink tea and eat cakes. It was really great. The weather was glorious, sunny and windy. My husband was very jumpy and seemed agitated. I asked him if he was feeling OK. He stood up and sat down a bunch of times before he finally told me: “I’m about to do something stupid”. I didn’t really understand until he, then, IN FRONT OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY, started to kneel down. I couldn’t believe in my eyes and started laughing with tears coming out. He then asked me in Vietnamese “Nu oi, lay anh nhe?” (Nu is my house name and Tit is his). I kneeled as well and said “Oui!”. Everybody was cheering, laughing but also crying. It was very emotional. I will never forget that moment and cherish it always. I always thought that if he’d propose, he’d go for a more cheesy approach. A romantic dinner just the two of us or something. Oh boy, I was in for a surprise. He later told me he was actually carrying the ring in his pocket for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment. He never really felt the right moment until that day. The setting was beautiful and I was surrounded by my loved ones. “I couldn’t think of a more perfect moment”, he later told me.

When you two were together, how did your and his family react to this cross-cultural relationship and then marriage?

I think any Vietnamese mothers always wish deep down that their sons marry a good Vietnamese girl. I don’t blame them. And although it has never been brought up directly, I had a sense that maybe things weren’t too awesome from his family’s side at first. Maybe some people thought it was just a fling with a ”Gai Tay”, that it’ll pass, that he’ll settle for a Vietnamese woman in the end anyway. And then, 1 year passes, 2 years pass, then 3 and more. With time I got to learn to know his family and him and vice versa. My mother in law is an amazing woman. She’s great with me and we’ve been getting along for years now. I call her ”me” (mom) with pleasure.
My family absolutely adores him, both from my mom’s side here but also from my dad’s side back in Paris and Marseille. We went to France last Christmas for him to meet my family. It was the first time for him but also for our daughter, who was 4 months old at the time! Of course in France, there’s the language barrier as nobody speaks English (welcome to France – no comment) but Hoang Anh is learning French so it was very nice.

Prior to meeting your husband, had you ever dated anyone from a different culture? What differences would you find between Asian (Vietnamese) and Western men as well as Asian and Western customs/cultures?

I have to specify that my mother is also Vietnamese, therefore I am not completely unfamiliar with the culture here, the traditions, even the language to some extension. But as a teenager, I remember always telling myself and swearing myself three things.

1) Never dating Vietnamese men.

2) Never getting involved in long distance relationships

3) Never getting married.

Prior to meeting Hoang Anh, I only dated Frenchmen. As I said, I never expected to be dating a Vietnamese man! Haha. So let’s just say I hit the Jackpot with Hoang Anh!

I guess the main difference is that Vietnamese men consider family as being a big part and a big priority in their life. I cannot speak for all Vietnamese men since I have only been with Hoang Anh, but he sure is, more thoughtful, caring and mature than most Western men I dated in the past.

Have you two ever had any cross-cultural miscommunications? 

Since my mom is Vietnamese, I can speak it quite fluently now actually, I have been taking writing and reading lessons since I moved here in 2011. Forcing myself to read a lot, anything on the Internet really. But still, Vietnamese isn’t my mother tongue and my husband just loves to make fun of me when I mispronounce stuff. He says I sound like a kid. One time, back when I just moved here, around early 2011, we were together on his bike, driving around town and I was feeling hungry. I saw a sign on a shop that says “Sua chua”. So I was like awesome! Let’s stop for yogurt, I’m craving for some. He didn’t say anything and let me go to the shop first. It didn’t look right. Like at all. It was dirty and smelly and there were tools and bikes in pieces everywhere. I didn’t think much of it since some shops and cafes can be hidden in tiny alleys sometimes. I asked one of the guy: “Em oi, sua chua o dau?” (where’s the yoghurt?) and he just stared at me, speechless. When I turned to Hoang Anh, he was laughing so hard he had to sit down on the pavement. When I read the sign again, it said “Sua chua xe may” (bike repairs!). Accentuation is everything in Vietnam, I learned it the hard way. Ok, Sữa chua is yogurt but Sửa chữa is repair!

As you two are from different countries, so we are curious about your wedding. Could you please tell us about it?

The plan was to have 2 weddings, ideally in Vietnam and in France. Turned out we ended only having it here. It’s a bit of a shame but we then decided to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary in France to make up for it.

Our wedding took place in Hanoi and it was super traditional. Oh gee did we have a ton of ceremonies! One of them is the An Hoi (Ăn hỏi) where basically the groom and his family come to the bride’s house to officially asks for her hand. It was beautiful, the “bê tráp” ceremony means carrying tons of goodies (offerings if you will), the setting and decor was super nice and I got to wear so many different dresses and áo dài! I was most stressed out about that crucial part where the bride has to serve the tea to the guests. Oh boy. I was shaking so much and all eyes were on me! I nailed that part though and the hubby discretely high fived me.

I have to say that I enjoyed all of the ceremonies, it was very traditional, sometimes even cheesy but we incorporated some French traditions into the Vietnamese ones : My dad walked me down the aisle, the bride and the groom gave a speech, the married couple did an opening waltz and we had a ring ceremonial, (and when asked THE question, he answered in French “Oui, je le veux” and I answered in Vietnamese “Vang, toi dong y”).

Talk about some of the responsibilities or changes you might not have been ready for before marriage and how you coped with them in marriage?

Actually, a lot of people have been asking me how married life is… Thing is, we already were living together for years before getting married so no surprises. I know it’s not something very common in Vietnam to do. It is kinda frowned upon, especially for girls. But Hoang Anh and I have always been on the same page when it comes to love, commitment, marriage, responsibilities, and life in general. I’m really glad I found someone like him.

How do you incorporate both of your cultures into your day-to-day life together?

Through food haha. Jokes aside, yeah one day we can be eating a typical thit kho (Vietnamese Caramelized Pork Belly) or thit luoc (Boilded pork), rau muong (Ipomoea aquatica Vegetables) with tons of com (Rice) and the next day we’ll be eating pasta blue cheese sauce with steak and French wine. Also through art, we both like French music and movies as well as some Vietnamese movies and music. We share our cultures with each other and now, to our daughter as well. It’s very enriching. And of course, through language, I’m still learning Vietnamese words and expression every day and so is he with French.

How did you incorporate both cultures into upbringing?

We have a little baby girl, she’s almost 14 months and she’s the absolute best (in all objectivity). I speak to her in French and his dad speaks to her in Vietnamese. Her first word was “mom” in Vietnamese! Her (limited) vocabulary is mostly Vietnamese because of her environment but she understands both and “communicates” in both languages. All of the songs and stories I sing or read to her are in French though. When she’ll be of age, she’ll certainly go to the French school here.

Do you have any future plans or dreams with him that you would like to share with us?

We often speak about when we’ll grow old, where we would live. We both joke about how we’ll buy a house in Hoi An by the beach and open a cafe and French bakery. Or maybe buying a villa in South of France. Dream on! But who knows.

I highly appreciate the time that Vanessa spent with me sharing her true love story. My team – Maze Vietnam and I would like to take a moment to thank her very much!

How about our readers? Are you ready to give it a try? Are you ready to head all the way from up to the North through the Central then down to the South to find a Vietnamese partner?

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