The “Roller Coaster” Love Ride of a Lesbian Expat in Vietnam

At this very moment, I should be in Can Tho going home to the my “cung,” but instead, I am still in Hanoi, my second home for almost two years, thinking of what to eat for lonesome dinner (like what usually happens if my friends finish work late). While thinking, I am scrolling through my Facebook notifications and figured out that “cung” were looking at my holiday photos, she even liked some of it. Photos from yesterday, when I was in Da Nang with my friends. Then I couldn’t help but think of another thing, that instead of Da Nang, I was supposed to be in Da Lat with her like how she promised me, but I guess it will never happen. All these thoughts are now par of my long list of “what ifs” after dating a Vietnamese girl from the South after half a year of LDR (Long Distance Relationship).

God knows how I love Hanoi, hence the move from my beloved city of Manila to here. But for once in my life, I was more than willing to give up my love for Hanoi, its vibe, its lakes, its richness in culture and the company of my friends to be with “cung.” How did it all happen? Are you sure you wanna know? It’s going to be a long anecdote but if you have time to spare, I’m opening my heart to share these few memories with you.

Let’s start from the beginning. The first time I fell in love with Hanoi was during the summer of 2014. That time, I visited Hanoi with my then girlfriend (Filipina) of almost 6 years. After a week of exploring the Vietnamese capital, I immediately thought that one day, I’ll come back to stay longer. I really liked this idea, but she didn’t. She didn’t like Hanoi for any reason. Come 2015, I am ready to try my luck in Hanoi, to live in another city on my own for the first time. Few months before the big move though, I had one of the biggest turning points in my life –she left me. Fast forward to a few months later, I found myself in Hanoi with a new life. I finally accepted the fact that we were not meant to be together and I opened myself up to the idea of dating local girls.

So this is how it begins. Compared to Philippines capital, Manila, Hanoi is very traditional. Most of the girls here, if not all are controlled by their family, traditions, and society’s expectations. It was really hard to find a lesbian girl to date. Why? Because it is so hard to know, “gaydar” doesn’t work for Vietnamese “les.” Most people even confuse lesbian as just “butch” or else, you’re a “bis” or bisexual –at least in the North because HCMC’s lesbian scene is another story. The “manual search” for someone to date is a little difficult for me so I went to the “digital” route. Using dating apps like Tinder, Badoo, LesPark, HER, and whatever app I can download just so I can digitally meet and get to know some Vietnamese girls. Sure, there are a lot of girls in Vietnam who has active “online life” but it is not easy to search with filters such as: must be lesbian, must speak English, should live in Hanoi and so on. It was really difficult but I luckily managed to find some people to talk to, I’ve met some, kept in touch with some and some of them even if we didn’t date, they became my friends. One even became my roommate!
Now here goes the part you might be waiting for—my dating experience(s). Let me enumerate them because each person was a unique experience.

The Master
The 1st Viet girl I really liked was “ba chu.” I call her master, she calls me “slave”. We met January of 2016 when I welcomed a new life for myself. Although there was a language barrier, in the beginning, we were able to communicate, special thanks to Google Translate.

We met through a lesbian app, we chat all the time we can and one day out of my curiosity and eagerness to meet her, I came to her workplace unannounced. As I come there, all she was able to say in the first few minutes were my name and “(I am) shy.” We didn’t really talk much, because we couldn’t.

She was extremely shy, she cannot say a word and I just really came to see her. I don’t want to bother her so I just asked for another time to meet and I was so happy we sealed a date. Among all girls I’ve met, ba chu gives me this “butterflies in my stomach” feeling every time I am with her. When we had a date on Valentine’s Day, I thought to myself that this day couldn’t pass without me telling her how much I like her. After we went for dinner and drove around our favorite place –the West Lake, I finally got a chance to tell her that I like her. I didn’t have any response from her, and I also didn’t expect her to. But I guess I did something stupid –I told her, “I love you.” She told me jokingly, “I don’t understand everything you say.” So I asked Google Translate for help, but she would cover her ears not to hear anything. Still, I insisted and hugged her, and she didn’t mind. She held my hand and hugged me back. I told myself, this response means more than any words. I like it more than any overused phrases. Then the next day I woke up to her text message, it reads, “Magandang Umaga” which means “Good Morning” in Filipino. To which I readily responded, “Maganda ka pa sa umaga” meaning, “you’re more beautiful than the morning.” Then she immediately told me, “About last night… you told me you like me. I like you too.” A few seconds later, “but I cannot love” she added. I just told her not to worry because I’m not in a hurry to put any labels on what we have, that I just want us to enjoy each other’s company and to know each other more. True enough, we had quality time together.

We hang out a lot, have lunch together, dinner together, milk tea together, satisfy cravings together. I was literally just one call away for her. While I am too lazy to make lunch for myself, I would be so eager to bring her food when she’s hungry just so I can see her, make her smile. I love to make her happy and I never grew tired doing that. But suddenly, she has this habit to just disappear. She will shut down social media and not respond to any messages, not just for days but sometimes, for months. And until now, she would just send me a message when she wants to. Suddenly, I wasn’t as eager as I was before. Probably because I know sooner or later she’ll disappear yet again and every time she does that, I kind of have a little heartbreak. To be honest, I still do.

The Artist
Sometime when ba chu left me (for the Nth time), I threw myself away to try my luck and meet other girls. So my “les” apps were active again and I was able to meet this girl. She is an artist, creative and very talented. She draws well, sings well, and can play instruments. Most of all, she can speak decent English (sigh of relief). I thought if I date this girl, we can understand each other better. True enough, we did, but it was short-lived. She lives in Vinh Phuc and I live in Hanoi but I didn’t care about the distance. One night, I just decided to drive my motorbike to her place, alone. I only relied on Waze and I was happy that this crazy idea crossed my mind. As I arrived at her house, I was welcomed with a dinner with her family. At that time, I was hopeful, maybe we have a chance. Not so long after, she became my girlfriend. Some kilometers apart weren’t really an issue because she would visit me and I would drive to her once in a while. We helped each other through some tough times but it ended prematurely when her mom found out our relationship. That sudden turn of events came after we met each other’s friends and she almost introduced me to her community. Then the next day she ignored me. Told me it wasn’t my fault but hers, that her mom saw a photo of us kissing, she was scolded and told her to forget about me and just focus on her studies. Being a college student who still relies on her parents, she did as she was told. Despite this sudden breakup, we remained friends though.

After my experience with ba chu and the artist, I told myself not to fall in love easily and just mingle with girls, flirt a little just to spare myself from sadness, loneliness and boredom. So did I. I had dates almost every night possible. I met some interesting girls, but most of them are good until they open they speak with me in person. Communication was really a problem. I often have dates where I can count the words we say verbally, because most of the time we “type” just so we can understand each other. Some girls can speak good English because they have been on Tinder long enough (and probably met a number of foreign men already), but most of them were just “bi-curious” and not really lesbians. They just fancy the idea of being pampered by another girl, being with another girl, hold hands in public and whatsoever. I was really frustrated that I asked my Vietnamese roommate to find me a decent girl for me to date. She accepted to play cupid for me. She posted something on a Vietnamese Lesbian forum and screened the girls who would respond to her post before she would let them talk to me. She helped me save some time trying to figure out these girls on my own. She would know who doesn’t speak English, who are just curious, who are really interested to meet me. So she would only forward to me numbers or profiles of girls who would fit criteria we set and that is how I met “cung.”

“Cung”
It was just another day, another profile from my roommate for me to check. Cung messaged me on Facebook and we got to know each other. She told me she’s a bisexual and she has a son – that’s 2 red flags in a row. I learned my lesson dating bisexuals, plus she has a kid. I thought that it will be a lot difficult to date this girl than the other girls I’ve met. Not to mention she lives in the South, that’s 3rd red flag. But because she seems so interested with me and she can talk to me in English, we got along well. I told her my experiences in love and she told me about hers. She knew how ba chu drove me crazy and how broken I was when I lost 6 years of my life with a wrong person. I’ve never let my guard down like that unless with a friend. So I thought we would just be friends. We were for some time but I don’t know what happened that we suddenly became more than that. We started caring so much for each other and exchanging “I love you.” I meant it, but I am not sure if she did.

The next thing I know, it was my birthday and a bouquet of flowers with a birthday cake arrived at my door. It was from her. I was ecstatic as nobody did that for me ever yet. It made me fall for her more. Then came 2017, her birthday is a few days away from Tet holiday. I decided to take a shot of destiny and planned a trip to see her. She never really told me where she lives, I believed that she’s in Can Tho but she actually lives in Kien Giang. I was surprised when she gave me her postal address when I told her I want to send her a gift for her birthday. She didn’t have any idea that the gift I was sending her was myself. Here comes a few days before Tet holiday and I flew to the South.

When I was in HCMC, a friend of mine tried to help me figure out how to go to cung’s place. It was as difficult as I only knew her postal address and the name of her former school where she plays volleyball every afternoon. So the plan was, go to the nearest place to the post office and then try to find this school to see her while she plays volleyball. I was ready to gamble my safety and my emotions. With that plan laid out, I had to take the 7 am bus from HCMC to arrive in Kien Giang in the afternoon so I will have time to find her before sundown. I was so stupid though, I missed it. The next option is a 2pm bus. I still took it without hesitation. Taking 2 pm bus means I would arrive in Kien Giang between 9 to 10 pm that made the search for her, a task close to impossible. I still didn’t lose hope. I only have this in mind: I came this far for her, I will find her.

While lying anxious on the bus, rain poured heavily and I had to make SOS to my friends, to help me find a place to stay when I arrive in Kien Giang as I don’t have any idea about the place. My plan B was to spend that night in a hotel near the bus station where I can take another ride going to her town which takes more than an hour. I’m unlucky enough that friends couldn’t find a place for me to stay and they told me to tell her that I was on my way to KG. That was my last option. I took it with a heavy heart because I know she doesn’t like surprises. Left with no choice, I revealed to her that I was on my way to KG and I will need her help to find me a place to stay. At first, she was mad at me. She didn’t respond to my messages, didn’t pick up my calls, ignored me for about 2 hours and I was about to give up and call this mission a failure. Then I finally got a message from her, it was an address of a hotel. She told me she already arranged a room for me and they are already waiting for me to arrive. I was relieved big time! She admitted that what I did anger her because I’ve put myself in danger, but at the same time, made her love me even more. I stayed in this hotel, and I finally met cung for the first time the next day. I couldn’t contain my happiness! She’s finally in my arms. I can finally kiss her. Look at her smile. For the first time in a long while, I was happy and I am sharing this happiness with someone. We spent quality time together for a day and a night until she had to go home and I went back to HCMC. A few days later, I was spending Tet holiday with her and her son. We spent almost a week together in HCMC and Can Tho combined. Suddenly, after the holiday, I must come back to Hanoi and do my things.
One day, I thought, we were dating for quite some time but I still barely know cung because she will not open up to me often. I didn’t know the story behind her son. I didn’t know why she told me she lives in Can Tho and not in Kien Giang. I wanted to know this person a little bit more but she always refused to tell me about her past. The only thing she told me is that she only fell in love with a girl once –with her best friend. Knowing this, I was really furious when I found out that she spent Valentine’s Day with her best friend while I spent it alone in my room waiting for her messages or call whole day and night. She was also mad at me for being mad at her and she thought I will never understand her. Hmm… how can I understand something that I didn’t have any knowledge of? But because I really love her, I just moved on and planned another trip to see her on the next holiday. Fast forward to that, we spent a week together in Can Tho 2 months later. I was able to meet some of her friends and her sister. We had an amazing time and for once I thought we were moving forward when we talked about moving together in Can Tho.
We made plans and the first thing I did when I get back to Hanoi was to find a job in Can Tho. I did, and a few weeks later, I was all set to move. The only missing puzzle piece was her. So I told her that I was ready that my only worry at that moment was her. As for myself, I was ready to leave my second home to start from scratch again. I didn’t know anyone in CT and the only reason I had to move there was her. You can call me crazy all you want but sometimes we become a fool when we fall in love. When I told her about my worries, I was thinking she would assure me that we won’t have any problem and if we encounter any, we face it together, but I was wrong. Her response was, “don’t move to Can Tho anymore” and told me that everything she told me was a lie. That she didn’t really intend to live with me and she only said that just to make me happy, and worse, she has no intentions of coming out so there is no future for both of us. I honestly didn’t know how to react to that. I had everything ready but in a blink of an eye, I lost it again. She set me free, insisting that I should be happy with someone else. She even thinks that her coming to my life was a terrible mistake that should’ve not happened in the first place. I was sad and mad at the same time. Mad at her and mad at myself for being so stupid.

What did I learn after all?
With all these things that happened in my first 2 years living in Vietnam, I learned that (this is just my opinion based on my experience; you can correct me if I’m wrong):

1. Not all Viet girls who call themselves lesbians are real lesbians, half of them are bisexuals.

2. Not all girls who identify themselves as bisexual are really bisexual, most of them are straight girls who has this intense curiosity or desire of being with another girl (for a while, they still want to end up with a guy).

3. Not all girls who dress like a tomboy are lesbians. Most of them just find it cool to dress like that.

4. VIETNAMESE GIRLS LOVE ATTENTION. I couldn’t emphasize it enough! Attention from boys will flatter them while attention from another girl will make them feel special. They will body shame themselves to fish for compliments and upload beautiful photos of them captioning it “ugly” just for you to tell them they are beautiful.

5. Not all lesbians are looking for long-term relationships. Some of them still believe that they still need to marry a man someday, because this is what Vietnamese culture dictates them.

6. Not all girls who will tell you they like you really mean it. Sometimes, they just like what I said in no. 4, attention. The attention you give them and the attention they get when they display your hands linked together in public.

7. Not all girls will say what they mean and will mean what they say. Sometimes they will tell you things just to please you or not tell you things so you won’t be unpleased.

8. Not every Vietnamese girl who looks conservative is really conservative. Some of them, when they get to know you, they will be so much more aggressive than you think they could be.

7. Not everything in this list might be true or enough to say that dating a Vietnamese les is tough but it’s a challenge that could be 10X more difficult than a “normal” male-female Viet – Tay dating.

8. Not all bad experiences can cut hopes that someday the right person will come. These “wrong” persons came along to help you prepare emotionally for that day you meet “ the one.” Just like how you have to dig inches of mud just to reach the gold.

*Cung = cưng = honey/dear
*Ba chu = bà chủ = master
*All names have not been included to protect identities.

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